Category: reflections

When we were driving down here it was rough. But I had these dialysis sunglasses of my moms and that helped. That drive was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I of course didn’t drive it, but what was hard about that drive were the bumps, the lights, the noise, the people, and the jerks. I had severe neurological things happening in this bod. But there were times were I took those glasses off and looked around. It was as if I was seeing it with fresh eyes. I wanted to remember because I didn’t know if I would ever see it again. And I knew I would not be helped. But I had to try.

Things weren’t physical then. It was my brain destroying my body. It was a shunt malfunction, and it was brain damage from MANY YEARS of being put on severe cocktails by some doctors that wanted to genuinely help me and others who wanted to tweak my brain or something and pounded it with drugs. All without a single brain scan.

Those two doctors offices I called up personally, and my voice changed. And my mom heard my life. The first in the voicemail I left for the scientist where I used to live and the second when the woman said I had to pay for my own records because I didn’t give a “hoot” about the therapy notes. I told her I wanted the medication list and WHY. She gave me their fax number. She knows what is coming. And she knows I’m not “typical” clientele of that place….if there is such a thing. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Perhaps I will have an address by tomorrow morning. Perhaps not. But I have no choice but to live in Florida now. It’s not safe for me to move. But I’m complicated and I have had a hard life. And I’m a realist. Always have been. But somehow I keep moving. That is something that I can always do. It’s no ones fault. I know that too. No one is to blame. I simply want help and not to be treated like a secret. I think that’s valid. If it’s not, fix my heart and my mind, and help me not be ridiculous. Lol! You know how I am.

I’m not a mean person, and my body is the product of a failed system. I’m just weird because I look like this. And have a brain FULL of information. And remember names and faces and bad things that happen.

I don’t believe in handouts. Hand ups are what is most important in life. And it didn’t have to be this way.

It’s no ones fault. But things must change. Please help them change, God. You move mountains. Start to hustle. I can’t now. Otherwise this would’ve been fixed 2 long months ago. 😆You made me in your image to be practical. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Those sisters in Indiana know what’s happening. But I wanted you to hear it directly from me. Please bring in some Catholic help. Please save my life. It has always had such potential. And still does. Tell everybody hello, and calm down the appropriate people up there in Heaven. 😆

Your faithful frand,

Lisa🤗❤️

I am so fortunate to have reconnected with you. I am sorry for the things that I have done, and any tension ever between us. You are so special and kind. You always have been. When our grandmother would take you places and do stuff with you and then tell me about it…👀👀👀👀👀👀👀 I would get sassy with her! I want to go next time! Things like that. But she never wanted me to drive my car. She worried I’d break down on the side of the road because she knew I couldn’t afford to service it. So I called her ALL THE TIME. And sent her handwritten notes. We got her for a long time didn’t we? She was my best friend and I think she was your best friend too. ❤️ I’ll be back on Facebook eventually. Thanks for making that profile for me and putting things about yourself that would jog my memory. I appreciate you. Sleep well. 💤 I’ll talk to you tomorrow. 🥰

The scales are so easily tipped for me now. One little thing, just one, and my body goes bananas. To really know who I am and to understand this blog you have to know my frands. They are multicultural, southerners, midwesterners, west coast people, and some in other countries. The life that I have lived thus far has been online and it has been hard, it has been ugly, and it has been a battle. But there are 455 people, and many more that I truly love. To not be able to see the babies, graduations, new businesses, and on and on….it’s sad. But I wouldn’t want ANY of those folks thinking they’d done something wrong that made me more unwell. More weak. My heart is full. It is fragile, but it is full. ❤️❤️❤️

I’m scared, and I know that you are too. But there is no reason to be afraid. Food comes when you need it. Shelter too. Your effort and your drive make this world better. It’s hard to get up and get going. But go get em! Hope comes in unexpected forms these days. But the basics are never basic. And God is always in control. To speak is profound. But you can speak in lots of ways, you can sit down or you can stand. You are appreciated. And always remember: Who created the Big Bang? I am a Christian. But God made the folks that made the Internet, and Jesus is my dear dear frand. ❤️

I speak three languages. English is obviously my first and primary, but it turns out I know an awful lot of Spanish and Latin that I’d forgotten. That’s been exciting. All those rrrrrrsssssss I didn’t remember how to roll I can now. 👀 And I went to Latin Mass a lot many years ago as well. Anywho, these days my best time of day is in the morning, because by the afternoon I’m tapped out. But getting a chair will help. 👍🏻 Anyway, using my words verbally is just terrible these days, but in this odd journey, Spanish has been comforting. And it doesn’t make me tired. From classes at HCC to FINALLY getting a BA many years later, there is comfort in that language. Maybe it’s because my mouth is so unsteady. I dunno. I wish Mami from RL were here, or my mi amor. Te amo! ❤️❤️❤️

When I went to Mass today I was tired. But I went. It’s hard for me to stand now, but I got in there and sat in my spot. I felt inspired to stand up for the Gospel reading and Communion. Boy am I on the express train to hotmessville. 🤦🏼‍♀️ But in life you have to stand up sometimes . But always for the word and Jesus. Anyway, that was something else. Boy oh boy. I thought I might fall over. But I stood for that. And then I stood to receive to. But I didn’t fall over.

The rest of the day made me sad. But I stood today. And I’m back in the bed at the Airbnb. 💤

Prayer is a powerful thing indeed. Thanks, Jesus for helping me stand today. Most folks don’t think someone so young would have such a hard time with simple things. Appearances are always deceiving, and you never really know someone until you’ve been in their body, and in their brain.

My mom has always had a pretty good idea though. She wrote a book about me years ago. Clares heart. And suggested that as the name for this blog. But I thought Lisa on the front was perfect! 💁🏼‍♀️