Reflections from the River

What a strange day. Yet, I’m not mad. Not even a little bit. In this apartment miracles will happen, and I’m ready. I will make it to my 35th birthday. Something I never thought possible. ❤️

Thank you for your kindness today shown to me through your children. Thank you for waking me to remember to write a timeline of symptoms and the ability to make it. I get so out of it as the day passes, but kindness always matters. Thanks for the reminder. ❤️ Nothing else matters to me but living according to your will. To live and make a difference is powerful indeed.

Lisa

Thank you for waking me up this morning-even if it was at 3:30. Haha! Thanks for helping me throughout my journey. It’s been a long almost 35 years. Thanks for an address. My clearest hours are in the morning and you woke me up just in time. Thanks! 😍

Your frand,

Lisa 🤗

Today is a new day. Thank you for all that you have done for me in my life. And thank you for waking me up! Please help me be strong today with whatever happens. I’m scared, but I know you’re here. Please help me be strong today. To forget my fears, and to live confidently and without fear. I can think of nothing better. ❤️

Amen

I am so sleepy and truly exhausted. But tonight I made a 2 hour full confession and got anointing of the sick. Every detail of my life laid out. Every injustice. And who I have always wanted to be. The wrongs I have done. I cried. And that priest did too. I think. I hope something positive happens tomorrow. I believe in miracles. ❤️

There is power in prayer. My particular faith bracket is Catholic/Christian, in case you haven’t guessed that already blog readers. But you can find God just about anywhere, and in faiths too numerous to count. But what people seem to forget in the world nowadays is the value of all people. Every single one. They limit what God can do by being judgmental. They look at skin color or medical history or WHATEVER. You can’t limit him. It can’t be done. He just works differently in the year 2020. My life wasn’t suppose to be chaotic to this degree, but that is God for ya! He pokes his finger in your life and stirs that pot up. And he gives you an umph sometimes, and helps you do things you never imagined, and survive things you never thought you would either. When I was back living in the the Deep South after my brain bleeds, I had an apartment. That apartment was ROUGH and built right before the Kennedy assaination I think someone said. But I got it through a frand of mine. A feisty Jewish man who is in his nineties now. I loved it! There wasn’t much to it. But it was my home. It had a MASSIVE living room, a separate dining area, a studio sized kitchen, and teeny bathroom and two small bedrooms. People got evicted all the time from that apartment, but i lived there for a number of years. I paid things early, went for rides to and from school on a bike I bought until I forgot how to ride a bike one day, and that’s where I got my dog. In that living room to the right of my chair, there was a table and on it I had a homemade journal my sister made. I wrote something in there one day and put the date. The date was soon after a sweet woman tried desperately to help me and put me on lots of medicine. And wondered why it worked differently with me. There wasn’t a scan.

Soon after that I got my pup. I found her online, and she saved me from myself. I didn’t feel so scared and overwhelmed then. ❤️ She was the answer to what I wrote in that journal. A profound answer to a plea to the God I have always wanted to serve when the damage to my brain began, and I started to do weird things. When I didn’t feel blessings in small things again, and when I stopped going to Mass.

When we were driving down here it was rough. But I had these dialysis sunglasses of my moms and that helped. That drive was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I of course didn’t drive it, but what was hard about that drive were the bumps, the lights, the noise, the people, and the jerks. I had severe neurological things happening in this bod. But there were times were I took those glasses off and looked around. It was as if I was seeing it with fresh eyes. I wanted to remember because I didn’t know if I would ever see it again. And I knew I would not be helped. But I had to try.

Things weren’t physical then. It was my brain destroying my body. It was a shunt malfunction, and it was brain damage from MANY YEARS of being put on severe cocktails by some doctors that wanted to genuinely help me and others who wanted to tweak my brain or something and pounded it with drugs. All without a single brain scan.

Those two doctors offices I called up personally, and my voice changed. And my mom heard my life. The first in the voicemail I left for the scientist where I used to live and the second when the woman said I had to pay for my own records because I didn’t give a “hoot” about the therapy notes. I told her I wanted the medication list and WHY. She gave me their fax number. She knows what is coming. And she knows I’m not “typical” clientele of that place….if there is such a thing. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Perhaps I will have an address by tomorrow morning. Perhaps not. But I have no choice but to live in Florida now. It’s not safe for me to move. But I’m complicated and I have had a hard life. And I’m a realist. Always have been. But somehow I keep moving. That is something that I can always do. It’s no ones fault. I know that too. No one is to blame. I simply want help and not to be treated like a secret. I think that’s valid. If it’s not, fix my heart and my mind, and help me not be ridiculous. Lol! You know how I am.

I’m not a mean person, and my body is the product of a failed system. I’m just weird because I look like this. And have a brain FULL of information. And remember names and faces and bad things that happen.

I don’t believe in handouts. Hand ups are what is most important in life. And it didn’t have to be this way.

It’s no ones fault. But things must change. Please help them change, God. You move mountains. Start to hustle. I can’t now. Otherwise this would’ve been fixed 2 long months ago. 😆You made me in your image to be practical. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Those sisters in Indiana know what’s happening. But I wanted you to hear it directly from me. Please bring in some Catholic help. Please save my life. It has always had such potential. And still does. Tell everybody hello, and calm down the appropriate people up there in Heaven. 😆

Your faithful frand,

Lisa🤗❤️

I am so fortunate to have reconnected with you. I am sorry for the things that I have done, and any tension ever between us. You are so special and kind. You always have been. When our grandmother would take you places and do stuff with you and then tell me about it…👀👀👀👀👀👀👀 I would get sassy with her! I want to go next time! Things like that. But she never wanted me to drive my car. She worried I’d break down on the side of the road because she knew I couldn’t afford to service it. So I called her ALL THE TIME. And sent her handwritten notes. We got her for a long time didn’t we? She was my best friend and I think she was your best friend too. ❤️ I’ll be back on Facebook eventually. Thanks for making that profile for me and putting things about yourself that would jog my memory. I appreciate you. Sleep well. 💤 I’ll talk to you tomorrow. 🥰

The scales are so easily tipped for me now. One little thing, just one, and my body goes bananas. To really know who I am and to understand this blog you have to know my frands. They are multicultural, southerners, midwesterners, west coast people, and some in other countries. The life that I have lived thus far has been online and it has been hard, it has been ugly, and it has been a battle. But there are 455 people, and many more that I truly love. To not be able to see the babies, graduations, new businesses, and on and on….it’s sad. But I wouldn’t want ANY of those folks thinking they’d done something wrong that made me more unwell. More weak. My heart is full. It is fragile, but it is full. ❤️❤️❤️

I’m scared, and I know that you are too. But there is no reason to be afraid. Food comes when you need it. Shelter too. Your effort and your drive make this world better. It’s hard to get up and get going. But go get em! Hope comes in unexpected forms these days. But the basics are never basic. And God is always in control. To speak is profound. But you can speak in lots of ways, you can sit down or you can stand. You are appreciated. And always remember: Who created the Big Bang? I am a Christian. But God made the folks that made the Internet, and Jesus is my dear dear frand. ❤️