Reflections from the River

It’s been a while since I’ve been THIS upset. Unfortunately for me, I have a heart issue, so I cannot cry or get upset. Perhaps writing this will help. A couple of days ago I think it was I wondered on here what the point of getting my words back was. I do not have a definitive answer. I’m not sure if I ever will.

Today I lost what little faith I had left in the healthcare system in the United States completely. Today I lost grit, fire, and drive. And today I really wondered again if I will survive. Not because I don’t want to, but because I live in the United States of America and became an adult at the wrong time. Because this system of care and this country are so incredibly unkind and broken. And because I’m a product of it.

I will never lose my faith in God despite the hand that I have been dealt. But perhaps these southern hospitals and medical corporations will treat the next person differently. I will pray for that this evening, and for my miracle. ❤️

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I view the president of the United States as a madman; full stop. A man who seems to thrive off of fear, discomfort, misinformation, and hype. I’d like to think he knows something I do not. I’d like to think him capable of leading and uniting. Or acting like a man who has some sort of belief in something other than the sound of his own voice. I do not. Pray for us over here in the United States, blog readers. We will certainly pray for you in Europe, too. I wondered what would happen when this was declared a pandemic this afternoon by the WHO. It is clear that the president took that as a spin opportunity, and an opportunity to make more people terrified that don’t know any better. The world isn’t ending. We must stop and breathe. We must reevaluate. And we must come together. I wonder what would have happened if I’d stayed in the state above mine, or gone to one more ER seeking help. Please research things, blog readers. Please be kind to one another, wash your hands (which shouldn’t be a novel concept), and stay home if you are unwell. And for Gods sake vote in November. I’ll pray for you and please pray for me.

When the journey I am on began in December of last year I was the sickest I have ever been as an adult, and I had no clue what was wrong with me. Before going to a bunch of hospitals and ending up here, I self diagnosed myself, and began to think of and research therapies that would be helpful. First and foremost though, I prayed to nuns online because I knew who they were praying to, and I couldn’t speak.

Needless to say, that got a lot of something I don’t enjoy; attention, and folks wondering and assuming a whole lot. I actually do not enjoy talking. My favorite thing to do is sit in silence in the mornings and evenings in my chair and watch the sun rise and set each day. To see a day begin and end is powerful. And I also do my best praying in those moments.

Anyway, God has given me verbal words back. I certainly didn’t get them back on my own. I wonder often what the point of that is. He’s also given me an inability to be anything but brutally honest, and a non existent tolerance for nonsense. Nonsense meaning suppression of my right to life, liberty, vote, and on and on. In all honesty though, at the rate things are going some days, I wonder what the point of getting my words back is. As a citizen of this country in this day and age it does me little to no good as a now medically fragile adult that is physically disabled, poor, uninsured, and so pasty I’m irredescent. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Then there is being told I need serious help multiple times, people telling me they are disgusted with me, and that I’m judgmental because I forgive them, want to make peace with them, and am highly verbal about their non Christian beliefs and approach them with love. Because no one knows me but God those feelings are understandable but that doesn’t make them any less painful when you’re trying to live, and I have had no choice but to express every hurt here while I have waited for medical attention.

Words have such power. They can be used to built someone up, or bring them to their knees. Use your words for good today, blog readers. And remember you are loved by a God so big and vast that it is incomprehensible. Pray for me and I’ll pray for you, too.

When I googled trauma the definition was “a deeply distressing or disturbing experience. ” People that I personally know, as well as members of my own family that I don’t see often, have wondered what in tarnation (my perfect best frand uses that expression 🥰) has been happening to me all these months well before the infancy of this blog. They’ve suspected trauma. But they had no idea there’d been this much packed in to 35 years of life on planet Earth. That being said, surprise, frands and family. It’s been a rough road. But if there had not been those experiences I certainly wouldn’t have lived through what I have lived through. Those experiences made me a fierce survivor. Most importantly, that made me into the person that I truly believe God wants me to be; myself. You see, I’m one of those weird believers that knows that his hand has been in this from day one in 1985, and if it hadn’t I certainly wouldn’t have made it to my 35th birthday last Sunday. Or call facilities and ask for the ceo because he also gave me a very tolerance for all things nonsense. 🤷🏼‍♀️ 👀 I use to wonder when I could drive how I’d end up places or why good things would happen to me so unexpectedly. It was because even though places have never known for most of my adult life what to do with my brain, i.e. scan it before piling things on it, He has been right there directing my path to be to where it is today. There has indeed been a massive amount of trauma, but it has led me back to where I was given a life in 86 and access to healthcare.

There is much to do, but I was telling my mom this evening, that the idea that there are people here who will do what they can to pull out all the stops to help fix my entire body from head to toe is the largest blessing for me personally that I have ever experienced. It makes all the recent and past trauma a blessing too. 😳 Maybe that’s weird, but that’s faith for you, blog readers. Have the best night ever. ❤️💤

www.instagram.com/p/B9bt6j_lBN7/

I have followed a woman on Instagram for a long while now and she posted this this morning. I certainly don’t consider myself to be remarkable, but what a quote to ponder. ❤️ Have a great day, blog readers.

The title of this post is the name of my parish. You know, blog readers, I think the oddest part about my time in this city has been that it feels like I’ve known the folks at the 12:10 Mass always. Literally. I forget that when I joke around with some of them that they have seen me progress from being on deaths door to recovering and becoming whatever version of my former self I’m meant to be physically. They don’t get my weird sense of humor, bluntness, or even know that much about me. They just know I’m suppose to be there too, spending time with God, and receiving life sustaining sustenance. Life is weird these days a lot of the time. I get so mad about nonsense because I’ve been surviving for so long I never got accustomed to fully turning over everything. I don’t trust folks as well as I should either. All that being said, life is full of tremendous joy more so than anything else. I’m so glad I’m alive to see it. ❤️

Last Saturday I went to Confession, and less than an hour ago the advice I was given came to life in the actions that I took. I surrendered to my situation this evening by surrendering to the injustice of it all and putting all my trust in God. It is in my nature by the life that I have led to constantly fight for everything. To work to survive in every way. Letting go and putting my trust fully in God is a freeing experience. Letting go of the fear that despair and evil bring are too. Goodnight, blog readers. May you be free from despair always. ❤️ It doesn’t compete with Gods grace.

My Papa Mac died when I was in first grade. Even after all this time, I remember him like he hasn’t been in Heaven for that long. He was quite an exceptional man in a myriad of ways. He was brilliant, a man that never saw the color of anyone’s skin-only the person, HILARIOUS, a snazzy dresser, a phenomenal Methodist minister, a wonderful Daddy, and the worlds best Papa. And that’s the short list 😂. Anyway, when certain things occur in my life, I feel him around me or something, and I wonder what he would’ve done in the same circumstance, or if he would’ve felt similar emotions if he had been with me. I’d like to think we are similar sometimes, and I know we would have been dear friends had he lived longer. This is a Papa Macesque post:

The presidential election in the United States this year is the most important of my lifetime. I have no doubt in my mind whatsoever when I type that statement. Tomorrow I will cast a provisional ballot in the state of Florida towards the Democratic nominee in that election. I have never been more excited. I am not 100% thrilled with any of the choices, but I will cast that vote nonetheless. There is a maniac in a big White House to the northeast of me, and for the sake of the planet, my health, social services, the lives of troops, and a myriad of other things I must vote. Some may say when they read this that I can’t vote for any of the nominees because of the issue of abortion, for starters. None of them are pro life. Well, friend, Donald Trump certainly isn’t. Shane Claiborne is an activist I’ve always admired greatly, and uses the phrase “from womb to tomb” often when describing his beliefs on life. Naw on that phrase and tell me if Donald Trump values ALL life from womb to tomb. If he is such an ardent follower of Jesus, his beliefs with regards to how he treats the poor, undocumented, disenfranchised, disabled,etc and so on of this country are about as far from how Christ would treat someone as you can get. His dishonesty, lack of integrity, malice towards anyone different than he, etc and so on are pretty appalling. And that’s another short list.

There are no political parties in America. Not anymore. Before I deactivated my Facebook for Lent and beyond possibly I changed my political party to human. That still holds true today. I am indeed very human, and am FAR from perfect. And now that my ship is being steered by God alone I find that I feel things very deeply at times and get my feelings hurt easily one minute and then am all byeeee Felicia the next. 😂 Part of that is being in a chair part time and being an oddity every time I go out in public, but that’s okay too! But today the very idea of not being able to vote in this primary left me profoundly sad, so I called the head of elections office in the county of Florida I live in. 👀😬💁🏼‍♀️ Not to get anyone in trouble but because I MUST vote, and readers in America, you should too!

I have always really enjoyed making lists. Making them i think is a leftover habit from a camp I went to in high school, or perhaps a class I took with a teacher (also in high school) who was obsessed with Stephen Covey I think is his name. The 7 habits of highly effective people is the time of the book I’m fairly positive. Plus it helps me wi5 my hand. Have to get both of them to do a little work other than flap and move wheels. 😬Anyway, this morning I made a list of about 6 or 7 things, and managed to get them all done! That felt truly fantastic. Since I will be spending so much time at home for the foreseeable future, I’m trying to come up with a routine, and nest too, I suppose. 🤷🏼‍♀️ I’ve done a lot of really ridiculous stuff in my life, but yesterday was the second biggest birthday of my life (the first being my birth) and was such a turning point. The fact that there are only three things on the list for tomorrow is super annoying, but there will be some days like that I guess. Tomorrow is Super Tuesday which should be interesting! As a political science major, I know what will and is happening. That’s quite clear. Shame on Pete especially. Perhaps he and Joe share billionaire donor friends? Anyway……my iPad is working again so my mind is responding accordingly. Holding that phone all this time with hands that don’t work right was certainly a pain! Prepare for lots of entries. 😂