Reflections from the River

I went to workout at the y today, and after I was done decided to walk home. Just to see if I could. Typical me behavior. It’s about a mile, and the area closest to water is pretty much deserted during the day with a few business types and medical professionals sprinkled in. Towards the end I realized that was too far, and my walk was shortened right around the time that started to dawn on me by my Romanian shuttle driving friend who saw me walking. I am thankful.

To think of where I was and what I have come back from over the last three years is pretty mind boggling. I have never been one to put boundaries on myself, and that has come in handy I feel. Especially on days like today when I’ve walked 12,000 steps and it’s not even 3pm. I am a better and fiercer human being for my ability to just keep pushing forward; especially in this season of life that I find myself in now. And today I am grateful for my river walk and the ability to walk in the first place. But for the Grace of God go I. He is why I can walk, and it is He who will help me to run. ❤️

It is very easy to become disheartened at the state of things around the world. I would argue that throughout history times have always been trying, and the world has always been in a state of disarray since it’s inception. (Adam and Eve, bless your hearts. 🙄) The only difference in the here and now, is that we are living in a profits driven, ultra electronic age, and technology and social media can a lot of times saturate our minds with the idea that there is no hope, and that everything and everyone around us are terrible. Or that we should just buy more stuff or pop a pill to fix anything and everything that ails us.

But that just isn’t so. It isn’t so because our life here on Earth is but a grain of sand compared to an eternity with God. We are down here on Earth to prepare for that eternity, and though we may have close friends and family that we can count on and love, and having a human hand to hold is always a wonderful thing, we should be hope filled because of what is to come-not because of what is on this Earth.

Don’t get me wrong, people are indeed acting out of their collective minds. And personally, my body is the product of a fractured and rapidly decaying public and private health system that is completely driven by monetary gains. I get the frustration, anger, malcontentedness and fear. I feel those emotions sometimes, and make no apologies for feeling things that, as my dearest friend would say, I have felt because I need to. But despite that, and with continued daily prayer I am joy filled. I am joy filled because I know that my hope ultimately comes from absolutely nothing of this Earth, and I work daily to put my faith in what is above and not below because I want to end up with God at the conclusion of my lifetime. Not with more money than I know what to do with; I couldn’t take any of it with me anyhow.

As a person who has been through 80 years worth of life in 37, I have found that I am often looked at strangely for not curling up in a ball and shot gunning beers all day. No matter how fun that might be, and no matter how tempting it is to do that, I do not. In my short and yet long life, there has been a voice in the back of my head that has told me to just keep going. Sometimes that voice has been muffled. Sometimes I have muffled it. But the still small voice has been persistent in its urging, and in its love. I could say that this voice is the God of my understanding. I could say it is the great spirit in the great beyond or some such. But to me this voice is God. He is the air we breathe. He is who makes us hesitate before crossing a sleepy street, and then a car runs a stop sign. He is who makes us question doing something before we do it that we know is wrong, and reminds us that we don’t have to. He is who makes us nod and say good morning to someone who hasn’t heard those words in the better part of perhaps five years. He is who reminds us to share the blessings we have been given with those who have none. He is who created every bird differently. He is who created humans all differently, but in His image. It is He who challenges us to be the best version of ourselves, and reminds us of His abiding and steadfast love no matter what we do.

I searched for a long while for the purpose of the sadness and hard I have experienced in my life. But my answer, even now, has been to just keep going. To do the footwork. To write words choke full of meaning, and to remind others that the still small voice of God is who loves them best. Thank goodness for that.

Something that I have always dealt with in my life is high grade anxiety. Worrying and being anxious about what is and what could be is so taxing, and if you’re in the habit of expecting everything to go wrong, I’ve found you’ll usually find something that has.

Almost two years ago, which is SO hard to believe, I went through an intense traumatic experience that turned my world upside down. Going through that took the anxiety I have always felt and multiplied it times a million. I had to build myself back cognitively and physically and I’m not the same as I once was in both of those areas. And yet, here I am, peaceful, and have come out of the other side of that situation a more strong and authentic version of myself; even though I am so different now than I once was.

What is my secret to not being anxious 24/7/365 now? Is it the survival instinct that runs deep within me almost down to the bone marrow? Partially. The secret that I’m speaking of in our society, that is always so hungry for quick fixes is actually pretty cut and dry. I cling every single day to what is above and not what is below. I have human hands to hold, as my Papa Mac used to say, but at the end of the day I know that if I cling to God that will make all the difference. He continues each day to smooth out the rough edges of the traumatic things that I have experienced and make them new and for a greater good and continually floods me with peace. For that I am most thankful.

Every month, I go and eat breakfast at this semi bougie place around the corner. My breakfast is always a seasonal waffle, shell eggs, and chicken sausage. A date with myself because I enjoy that sort of thing. Anyway, I’d finished half my waffle, and all the trimmings I just mentioned, and a man on a bike road up, and asked if i had extra change for food. What struck me most about his question was that he was hungry. I said yes, even though I really don’t have any extra money to feed another person, and asked him what he liked. When he began to rattle off every breakfast and lunch item on the planet, I knew he was indeed very hungry. I said sir, I don’t have extra enough for all that. Will a stack of pancakes work? He said that it would, and that he would have taken my half eaten waffle that was by that time sandwiched between two dirty plates. That made me let out of gasp/chuckle noise of sorts, and I said no sir you certainly will not eat that, and flagged my server down to add the stack of pancakes topped with fruit to my tab.

This man told me the story of his life while those pancakes were no doubt pushed through the kitchen speedily, and i don’t think anybody had taken the time to ever hear it all until that morning. He was extremely loud and used his hands a lot, and when the server brought out his to go bag, I knew he was going to truly devour them by the grin on his face from six feet away. We wished each other well, and off he went.

A different server than the one I had that had asked if I was okay while I was talking with this fella, said she understood and respected me doing a good deed, but knew that they’d have other visitors more so than usual now who were looking for food on the patio more than likely that day. I apologized for any trouble I’d caused, but when he said he wanted food I knew I had to help. Another man asked me who was hungry, and I pointed towards the 711, and he walked his untouched eggs over there too.

I saw him later riding his bike away from the 711. He told me a man had come up to he and the group of people sharing the food he’d been given and starting yelling at them. He told me he stood up to him, and that man had said he’d call the authorities. I said well sir, you’d better be on your way then. And told him to have a good day and to behave himself. He laughed and said have a blessed day ma’am-you behave too. I knew in that moment I’d never see him again.

This encounter further cemented in my mind that I am indeed in the correct area. I have wonderful neighbors, friends, the basics and I feel safe and secure; even peaceful most days. Some of those are welcome additions to my life. But I would say it is encounters with those that have nothing, and are stuck knee deep in a cycle of poverty so very hard to get out of without an address, that mean the most to me. Those men and women keep me humble and grateful and make my heart grow. The face of Christ can be found in every last one of them.