Category: reflections

Since the infancy of this blog a little over a year ago, I haven’t known what it would contain. Many, I think, expected my blog to be full of political reflections. I have had various obsessions through the years, and was a political science major, so I get that expectation. During the first couple of months there were some political reflections, albeit nonsensical ones, but I deleted them and pressed on as I recovered from another brain trauma. Perhaps I will reflect more on politics in the future on this blog.

What I have written about a tremendous amount on this blog is God, and why shouldn’t I? He and His Church and receiving Sacraments are all the life forces that have kept me alive. I belong to Him. He is also someone that I have a close friendship with, and speak and cry out to regularly; though not as often as I should.

Often I feel so unworthy of the blessings God has given me, and question why He continues to actively and brazenly keep me alive. Months and months ago, a dear childhood friend, after I told her the full breadth of what has happened to me as an adult, stated quite simply, “People don’t survive that, Lisa.” I’d never considered that before. Two brain bleeds after a childhood full of brain surgeries from a neurological condition that you either understand or you don’t, numerous blood clots, and a botched spinal procedure, and I am walking(not well at times, but I am able to) and talking and even thriving in some ways. That doesn’t happen? Oh. I have tossed that around in my mind, and had conversations with God and my priests, to a degree, about this very topic.

I get tired a lot now, and I’m in tremendous pain to a degree of which I’ve never known, but I’m alive. I am grateful for that. It has been , however, a lot to process, and a lot to come back from this time around. Fortunately, I know no other way to act other than to press on. I have wondered a time or two (okay more than that) what life would have been like for me if I lived in a country where healthcare was never a question. Would that have given me an opportunity to be known as more than someone who oftentimes quite miraculously survives things that I should not? Maybe so, but I’ll never know because you can’t go back and change the past. A person must always press on, and appreciate what they have and live life to the fullest.

Thanks Be to God.

I have been unsure about what I wanted to write about since my last post a little over a month ago. As my Grandmommy Anne once said, “I’ve just been sitting and doing some thinking.” She was onto something, and I wish I had done it sooner. What I mean is, to sit in silence by yourself for me, and I feel certain it was for her as well, is to sit in silence with God. There is a peace and a beauty found in silence, and of course it is because He is there.

I suffered another major neurological set back, really a TBI and then some, in January of 2020 right before the world began to implode on itself for a time, as you may have surmised if you have read much of this blog. Since that trauma, there have been a lot of silent moments for me. A lot of wondering about the what if’s of it all. Why me? But that doesn’t get me anywhere, so I have tried hard to not think that way. I realized since moving to a better living situation about 7 months ago, and subsequently decompressing majorly and being able to hear myself think, that I don’t need to know why. There is a purpose in everything that happens in life. Horrible things happen and God has His hand in everything. The why does He allow it to happen question that pops up after reading that statement that most folks ask themselves, doesn’t for me most days.

Clinging to God in silent moments and in moments of suffering are how saints are made. Here’s to my attempt to never stop trying to become one, and walking hand in hand with God while I do.

Even though life over the last now 36 years has been so hard at times, there has been a certain freeness in the uncertainty of all that has come my way. What I’m specifically referring to is my health. I have never known what would happen on a daily basis in regards to the condition I was born with, hydrocephalus, and all of the complications that have followed since.

People make me out to be some exceptional human in the way that I survive things and look at things seemingly unbroken. Or simply the fact that I continue to keep trying. But really, what choice does anyone have other than to keep going? I cannot curl up in a ball and wish the hours away only to repeat the cycle the next day. I suppose you could, but where would that leave you? When you have chronic medical conditions you know no other life, and know no other way to behave other than to keep pushing. I have nearly died more times than I can count, and that is where the freeness comes into play. I have lived the life I have thus far fully, and there is a peace that comes from knowing that most every day has been lived to its most full.

I don’t know how to wrap up this blog post other than to say that I hope whomever reads this is inspired to live their life fully too. People will always misunderstand you to some degree, and sometimes they will even not be very nice. But most of the time, like today for me for instance, you’ll walk down your street and speak to four different neighbors, grab a taco or two because you want them, and enjoy the sun beating down on you and be so thankful to be alive. ❤️

It would probably seem strange to some, but the physical suffering I have felt over the past year and some months has drawn me closer to God. When I began to pray for people, and offer up my pain for the salvation of others, it gave it a purpose. Really, what greater one could there be? We prioritize things that don’t matter as humans. We like our stuff in excessive amounts. We like our labels, cars, etc and so forth. But salvation-THAT is the ultimate prize.

Life has been hard and long and it seems to be a mystery to some how I’ve managed to keep going. The simple answer is that God has held and continues to hold my hand every step of the way. To whomever may be reading this, He holds your hand too. Most importantly, He suffered a prolonged agony with the weight of the entire world world on his shoulders. Simply because He loves us that much. That’s the other reason why I keep going too.

Many months ago, my priest said God is wonderful. I responded with a He is also a weirdo, or something of that nature when we were chatting before Confession outside because COVID. But the fact is, I think He is both. A wonderful weirdo who loves all of His children beyond our wildest comprehension. I have a hard time comprehending why sometimes. I think He laughs, cries, and many times wonders what exactly He has to do to get our attention. We second guess Him, offend Him, deny Him, turn to things not of Him, act like people are the second coming of Him, and yet He loves us with a fiery passion of a Father who doesn’t care what we do and will be there anyway. Really, the love of a Daddy.

I lost another relative this last week. A relative that I took care of for a year and a half, and said goodbye to over a year ago thinking I would not live. This relative was often misunderstood and for most of her life severely mentally ill. This was not her fault of course, but she filled her pain with things not of God. She let these things not of God into her life and that made her into a bitter person. How could this not make things worse for her? Things not that of God do not fill you with happiness and joy.

As my family has been coming to grips with her death I have thought of the face to face with God that she must have had. In my mind and heart I picture her waking up in the Fathers house and Him asking her to choose Him. Him telling her how much He has missed her all this time. That the joy she sought is with Him and to please choose Him. I firmly believe that she did, and that perhaps they are still embracing and getting to know one other. Oh, and that He is gently telling her that His mother is not a goddess, but is the mother of His son. And then she meets the Blessed Mother. 🙂

God loves you, Aunt Beth. I’m glad you finally know. ❤️

Oftentimes I think people may wonder why I don’t hate God. Why when I’ve experienced so much pain and loss in almost 36 years, and why ESPECIALLY this last year, that I have found that my relationship with Him is stronger than ever before. The simple answer is that the bad things that have happened to me and those I love are not His fault, and that I have come to the realization that every blessing is straight from Him. I question things, I grieve the losses, and I do get angry with God. But I think the fact that I can get angry shows the strength of our relationship.

Recently a dear relative who was also one of my best friends died. During a conversation last year I was asking him all sorts of questions, and he answered each one with “because He loves us.” And He does. Despite all the terrible things that may happen to us, or even the things we may cause to happen because of an especially stupid decision we make, His love for us never changes. How awesome is that? ❤️

In the last year, I have perfected a gratitude practice I first began at the job before I became so ill last December. At that job I made it a point to seek out three things I was grateful for every day, or to just make it a point to find that joy in someone else. Between God and I, we found gratitude and joy daily in that job where it would have otherwise been hard to find some days. Most things in life are that way.

This year has been a rollercoaster for most of us. Personally speaking, it has been horrific to joyous and everything in between for me. I lost a great deal of my physicality this year, friends, privacy to an extent, a beloved family member to COVID, and have relocated to a different state to obtain the care i need to stay alive….surprising to some I’m sure is that that is the short list! I also became myself this year. I have honed and perfected my scrappiness, can be vibrantly Catholic, have no secrets, have lost the ability to be dishonest, and have developed the ability to find joy and gratitude daily amidst what is sometimes a LOT of suffering physically.

I don’t know why things happen that aren’t awesome, even horrific. But to paraphrase a Mother Angelica quote, it’s the matter that we accept our suffering that makes us holy. It was tough for Him too! There are always moments of gratitude and joy that can be found daily. We just have to hunt for them and to realize that this life is a grain of sand compared to eternity with God. And also that joyous and grateful moments 9 times out of 10 come straight down the pipe from Him.

I wonder sometimes what life will be like after a vaccine for COVID-19 is distributed world wide. I don’t think I’m alone in that either. We have seen, particularly here in the United States, the best and the worst of each other since the outbreak. There has been the always stellar “but my rights! My rights!” argument (which really isn’t one at all) on repeat regarding wearing a piece of fabric on your face in public. Our Congress can’t seem to pass more than one relief package so folks can maintain their basic needs which is truly deplorable. And our healthcare workers do not always have the tools they need to combat a virus that takes no prisoners. There has been an extreme lack of kindness and understanding while we all cope with a myriad of unknowns , and we still adore celebrities and the almighty dollar more than Jesus.

Personally speaking, I stopped putting my faith in the things of this Earth completely this year. My priest said that’s a theory of St Ignatius, so super. He was a cool dude. But wouldn’t human beings of this weird planet be better off doing the same? We don’t take possessions to Heaven when we meet our maker, and instead of acting like we do not see satan walking around stirring the pot right now, and claiming to be Christian-we behaved as such. My hope and prayer for a post COVID 19 world is that we show the love that is showered down on us so freely from Heaven to each other and mean it. We really aren’t that different, and we are all children of God.

The last time my mom came for a visit, as she was taking a load of her stuff to her vehicle, she noticed and alerted me to a steadily increasing amount of ducks. We first noticed them as we were coming back from Mass, and then there were suddenly tons of them outside as she got ready to make the trip home. A man in the building next door told her they’d come to guard and mourn a duckling that a car had run over. It was quite a sight to behold. A little while later a man from a house across the street came to shoo them away. I mourned right along with those ducks that day. Animals are smarter than we give them credit for, and we could learn a thing or two from their sense of community.

I’d noticed this mama duck a lot since I moved to this neighborhood almost two months ago. Particularly that she had a LOT of babies. Since her baby died, that mama duck has split up her babies to protect them. I first noticed when taking my dog for a walk the next morning. I get up super early, and there that mama duck was in the middle of a side street just as the sun was coming up. I saw she and half the babies walking, and when a car went past too quickly and not even coming near her, those babies went underneath her until it past. Then she kept walking, and I couldn’t tell because my left eye is damaged to a degree, but I think she was giving me the side eye. My dog sniffed under a bush weeks prior and out she came wings flapping, so our relationship has been shaky ever since. 😂

We forget people have feelings a lot of the time too. I’ve been guilty of being unkind and shooing someone away a time or two in my life. Sort of like that man did from across the street with those ducks in mourning. Wouldn’t the world be a better place, though, if we sheltered others from the storms life threw at them? Or were so selfless like that mama duck was when she split her babies up that we helped someone who needed it, uttered a kind word, respected someone’s views that were different then our own, or covered our face with a piece of fabric.

As this hurricane comes closer to the state I live in, my head kind of feels like it’s own weather channel. It has for days really-Buzzing and pounding, but I’m getting used to it. I spent most of my growing up years not far from the east coast. Memories of that time escape me most days, and I didn’t live this near water. I just remember the headaches, some good stuff here and there, and the continuous reminder by my peers that I was different. But, all that aside, I wish this hurricane Eta would determine an eta, and get it over with. But even in my discomfort lately, I have found that I’m peaceful.

I have learned the hard way over the last year in particular that all anyone can do this side of Heaven is to keep trying when the road gets tough. It is an extreme myth that the great determinant of a life well lived is if it has been free of every type of pain. Peace is also important, and these days I find that I am fiercely protective of the peace I have now. A lot of the reason for that is that I am medically fragile, but the rest is because life is too short to hate what you’re doing, to be made miserable by who is around you, or just to be miserable period. I find myself appreciative these days of absolutely everything. Even the bad stuff because it teaches me to practice saying no in order to avoid a disruption of my peace. I’m learning appropriate emotions everyday, and how to live life authentically in this new body.

When I was watching the president elect’s address last night, he spoke of good angels. That, among other things, struck a cord with me. I’m so thankful for the good angels that watch over me and for a God that fills me with peace. Also for a life that has almost been cut short time and time again, and that He gives me the wherewithal to fight to keep living it.