Category: reflections

No, I do not have the Corona Virus.

I have long wondered what I wanted out of this blog. A dear friend helped me set it up, and it has been one of the biggest blessings of my life. I guess I can use it to chronicle my journey in quarantine from this point forward. Give some hope or make you chuckle. Pass on a useful nugget or forty about random stuff. 😉

My day began at 7am. I had every intention of being on a strict schedule today. I love plans and lists. Well…..I’m still in my pajamas. 🤷🏼‍♀️

I did play with my dog, really talk to my mom, watch something super sad, and chat with one of my lovely godmothers on the phone. Most importantly, I said hello to God.

I also scrolled on Instagram, started the live version of Aladdin, and sent my brother and sister a 🤗 ❤️.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll do something remarkable. But today it was nice to sit some and walk some around this apartment and wait for the miracles. Fighting for so many years, and especially over the last several months, has left me in need of some profound relaxation. Perhaps I did do something remarkable for Lisa Bragg today. I relaxed. 🙂

Life is super weird, especially right now in the world. But we are being taught quite the lesson. To love. You see, blog readers, the only person I have ever wanted to fall hopelessly in love with was God. For most of my years as I have struggled to be heard I have not been able to pray or love much of anything; let alone the trinity. The God that I know and love has always wanted me to be fearless, and he has wanted me to be devoted to Him. I think and know that he wants the rest of us to be too.

Personally speaking, since December 20th, He has ripped away every security that I have ever known-which isn’t saying much. My body is new and weird and damaged. I regained my words, and even though I walk strangely now, I have never walked normally. The fearless Lisa from long ago, and the Lisa that has been suppressed for 13 years is alive and semi well. In an odd way, despite so many traumas over 35 years and a boatload in the last 3.5 months, I have never felt more un isolated. (And I cannot leave this apartment indefinitely because of the Coronavirus, and my weird body. Got my marching orders today from a pcp.) I wasn’t ready for an early Good Friday after 13 years of them daily, but here I am. Maybe what I originally saw happening in this apartment can. Just maybe I can live and tell my tale and walk out of it without looking like a unique form of cross faded. 🤷🏼‍♀️

I know in my heart that beats too fast irrefutably that God loves me. That three in one dude is quite a guy. I am devoted to Him. Maybe the blessing from this whole thing for me, and the entire world, is the realization that He has been devoted to all of us all along too. ❤️

Goodnight, world.

I see certain phrases on social media circulating with great frequency. Before I get into what those are, I’d like to share something that I just did. I deleted all US news outlets on my two devices but three. This is a step down from nine. 😬 I need scientific data. And that is NOT the American news media. I need positivity, also. It is certainly not fake news as our lovely president has referred to it over and over again. But in “times like these” I don’t need opinion or to be scared. I need to look at data so I can know what not to do. 🤷🏼‍♀️ And also Italy where their sense of community is so strong that they hang out on balconies and aren’t idiotic. You see, times like these have always been here. But during this outbreak we are reminded that we are all the same. And we are reminded as a nation what it is that we need to fix: our sense of community, healthcare, and our reliance on God. To say that the state of this nation is not what the founders intended is putting it mildly. I consider myself blessed to have survived what I have medically over these past months. But I have never known with more certainty that the battle of good vs evil in this country is very real indeed as a result. I think of those without access to a Catholic hospital that are in my situation often. That was me for almost two months and I very nearly died. It is with going to Mass as much as possible, prayer, and relocation that I have lived. I hope anyone that reads this, if you’re able, to hit your knees and pray and show kindness in all that you do and say. God bless ALL of us here in this country and abroad.

To experience real joy is a gift. Oftentimes since this began in December it seems that evil has been working overtime to rob me of any semblance of it. The same can be said for the rest of the world right now too. Evil is working overtime to rob the world of joy. But this is nothing new. That serpent works overtime, and he loves his job. I still do not know why I was given back words. I still don’t know why yesterday happened. I do not know why trauma and pain are constant. But, all that being said, despite yesterday, and what may happen in the future in my life or the lives of human beings around the world, the God that I know and that knows me is a God of love, joy, and hope. To have that suppressed in my heart isn’t possible because He is the one that keeps it ticking. Perhaps that’s why it beats so fast? I dunno. God bless us all. ❤️

It’s been a while since I’ve been THIS upset. Unfortunately for me, I have a heart issue, so I cannot cry or get upset. Perhaps writing this will help. A couple of days ago I think it was I wondered on here what the point of getting my words back was. I do not have a definitive answer. I’m not sure if I ever will.

Today I lost what little faith I had left in the healthcare system in the United States completely. Today I lost grit, fire, and drive. And today I really wondered again if I will survive. Not because I don’t want to, but because I live in the United States of America and became an adult at the wrong time. Because this system of care and this country are so incredibly unkind and broken. And because I’m a product of it.

I will never lose my faith in God despite the hand that I have been dealt. But perhaps these southern hospitals and medical corporations will treat the next person differently. I will pray for that this evening, and for my miracle. ❤️

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by kristen bell (@kristenanniebell)

I view the president of the United States as a madman; full stop. A man who seems to thrive off of fear, discomfort, misinformation, and hype. I’d like to think he knows something I do not. I’d like to think him capable of leading and uniting. Or acting like a man who has some sort of belief in something other than the sound of his own voice. I do not. Pray for us over here in the United States, blog readers. We will certainly pray for you in Europe, too. I wondered what would happen when this was declared a pandemic this afternoon by the WHO. It is clear that the president took that as a spin opportunity, and an opportunity to make more people terrified that don’t know any better. The world isn’t ending. We must stop and breathe. We must reevaluate. And we must come together. I wonder what would have happened if I’d stayed in the state above mine, or gone to one more ER seeking help. Please research things, blog readers. Please be kind to one another, wash your hands (which shouldn’t be a novel concept), and stay home if you are unwell. And for Gods sake vote in November. I’ll pray for you and please pray for me.

When the journey I am on began in December of last year I was the sickest I have ever been as an adult, and I had no clue what was wrong with me. Before going to a bunch of hospitals and ending up here, I self diagnosed myself, and began to think of and research therapies that would be helpful. First and foremost though, I prayed to nuns online because I knew who they were praying to, and I couldn’t speak.

Needless to say, that got a lot of something I don’t enjoy; attention, and folks wondering and assuming a whole lot. I actually do not enjoy talking. My favorite thing to do is sit in silence in the mornings and evenings in my chair and watch the sun rise and set each day. To see a day begin and end is powerful. And I also do my best praying in those moments.

Anyway, God has given me verbal words back. I certainly didn’t get them back on my own. I wonder often what the point of that is. He’s also given me an inability to be anything but brutally honest, and a non existent tolerance for nonsense. Nonsense meaning suppression of my right to life, liberty, vote, and on and on. In all honesty though, at the rate things are going some days, I wonder what the point of getting my words back is. As a citizen of this country in this day and age it does me little to no good as a now medically fragile adult that is physically disabled, poor, uninsured, and so pasty I’m irredescent. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Then there is being told I need serious help multiple times, people telling me they are disgusted with me, and that I’m judgmental because I forgive them, want to make peace with them, and am highly verbal about their non Christian beliefs and approach them with love. Because no one knows me but God those feelings are understandable but that doesn’t make them any less painful when you’re trying to live, and I have had no choice but to express every hurt here while I have waited for medical attention.

Words have such power. They can be used to built someone up, or bring them to their knees. Use your words for good today, blog readers. And remember you are loved by a God so big and vast that it is incomprehensible. Pray for me and I’ll pray for you, too.

When I googled trauma the definition was “a deeply distressing or disturbing experience. ” People that I personally know, as well as members of my own family that I don’t see often, have wondered what in tarnation (my perfect best frand uses that expression 🥰) has been happening to me all these months well before the infancy of this blog. They’ve suspected trauma. But they had no idea there’d been this much packed in to 35 years of life on planet Earth. That being said, surprise, frands and family. It’s been a rough road. But if there had not been those experiences I certainly wouldn’t have lived through what I have lived through. Those experiences made me a fierce survivor. Most importantly, that made me into the person that I truly believe God wants me to be; myself. You see, I’m one of those weird believers that knows that his hand has been in this from day one in 1985, and if it hadn’t I certainly wouldn’t have made it to my 35th birthday last Sunday. Or call facilities and ask for the ceo because he also gave me a very tolerance for all things nonsense. 🤷🏼‍♀️ 👀 I use to wonder when I could drive how I’d end up places or why good things would happen to me so unexpectedly. It was because even though places have never known for most of my adult life what to do with my brain, i.e. scan it before piling things on it, He has been right there directing my path to be to where it is today. There has indeed been a massive amount of trauma, but it has led me back to where I was given a life in 86 and access to healthcare.

There is much to do, but I was telling my mom this evening, that the idea that there are people here who will do what they can to pull out all the stops to help fix my entire body from head to toe is the largest blessing for me personally that I have ever experienced. It makes all the recent and past trauma a blessing too. 😳 Maybe that’s weird, but that’s faith for you, blog readers. Have the best night ever. ❤️💤

www.instagram.com/p/B9bt6j_lBN7/

I have followed a woman on Instagram for a long while now and she posted this this morning. I certainly don’t consider myself to be remarkable, but what a quote to ponder. ❤️ Have a great day, blog readers.